So, I've had a rough day. Very rough day. Regrets. Tears. Talk of oofing myself. Etc. I'll explain. Last night, I had a nightmare where I told my best friend that I wanted to oof myself, and it was a real /nightmare/. But it became real. I told her in real life, at school. The it got worse, my emotional health went down from there. I panicked, and thought, "if I show someone my book they will understand my feelings... I trust James " So I showed James my note book, and he read these two pages, and when he looked up, he was almost crying I think, and he said, "That's not true." And I cried so hard. I know he will always be here for me. But I feel like a bad friend, he's always there for me but I'm never there for them!! ToT It's horrible, I just want to be good enough. My family hate what I do, even when I'm trying my hardest to make them happy!! I don't know how to be good enough for them. School expects me to be as good as Hannah, my sister, but I'm not her! My mum wants me to live a life she never got. ... I don't know how to be myself anymore. Like in primary school, when everything was simple, I had friends who I could easily be around, stress-free. I miss those days, the same teacher each day. Same class. Same school. Familiar and trusted people. They were the best family I've never had. Then, the day we left, for weeks and months, years after leaving, it still hurts so much to think about losing all of that!! Everyone I had grown up with, everyone I've lived an amazing life with. Gone. And, on top of this. I get bullied at school, and in public!! It's making my scared to go to school or go out. They call me a furry, delusional, a freak, a weirdo, and someone even tried to sexuality harras me in public!! Why can't I just fit in!!! *I'm breaking so hard now.* Why did I say that one thing?! Why did I do that once?!! Why did I bring it into school?!! Why did I go out that ONE day?!!!! Why am I so fked up??! This life is horrible. I want to oof and start over. But I'm scared, how do I oof successfully? I don't want my family or school or friends to find out I've tried to oof myself, if I fail, then what if I don't fail, how would they feel? But why should I care? I tried to contact a helpline that scratch gave me, dead end. Another, nope. Last one? Yes! But no. It doesn't work. I need help. But I don't know where to get it. I can't ask my family, I can't ask the teachers, I can't ask a friend, I can't ask the law. Why dont my family support me expressing myself???! They hate me being a therian. Also, I have to hide my feelings at school, or I'll get bullied more!! I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF, WITHOUT HATE. I JUST WNAT TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE. I DONT CARE WHAT THEY THINK, I NEED HELP! BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR IT!!! WHY IS IT SO HARD??! *I'm crying so bad my bed is wet af* -Jay, who's parents won't let her change it name to Jay, and won't let her be herself, and who is suffering. Note: "oof" mean die/kill/end. But scratch won't let me say that.
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