I-I have..? #vent

Instructions

Do I sound fine..? Its difficult for me recently. Being in Human Geo AP, and only in 9th grade... My mom said "she knew what I was going through" but did she really? I know recently I seem fine, I know recently I've been lifting others to support them, to be their friend. But I've been doing that, and putting myself down. Saying all those good things about others makes me feel good, but only for a little bit of time.. I tell myself 'I'm fine.' Then again 'Everything is going out fine. I can do this, it'll go away..' when it doesn't. School doesn't just disappear. Feelings don't just disappear. /Love/ doesn't just disappear. I don't want to leave the state I am in right now.. Nor do I want to leave my friends My school Everything. My home I've lived in ever since I was 6 months old, My friends that I know love me, as I do them. My friends who actually /care/ for me.. Listen, if you're a bully, you're about to learn what /true/ heartbreak feels like. Even at a small piece. When I was little, I hanged out with someone, but for security's sake, I'm going to change the name. Lily. She hung out with her friends, and me too some days. But I didn't see the signs. Of course I didn't, I was only around 4-5 at the time. Of course I didn't no matter how hard I tried.. I thought she was a friend of mine. But she talked behind my back. Hung out with more of the others I remember now, even now, years ago, I sat on this tree which roots spread out a little at the bottom. Creating a perfect seat. I sat there, every day. Crying Not just because I knew I was alone. But because I had been betrayed so deeply I gathered a fear A fear of losing someone close.. Someone so close that I didn't even become friends until 3rd grade.. This fake friend stuff was in 1st grade.. And when I got to 3rd grade, I got to go to virtual school since Covid-19. On top of that, I was so little.. I was in that school for three years. Gathered friends, thought they were friends again.. No. They left me. Just like before. I cried. Over and over. No matter how hard, I still thought that I could change myself, to.. Learn. To learn what they wanted. Now. My heart breaks every time. May 7th, I got a message that someone I had become friends with, someone that I was helping with her struggles, had died. Due to cancer. I still cry, every time. Its been a year almost, and I /still cry/. Now.... Its happening all over again. Last year, around near the end of the year. One of my friends (not mentioning the real name, but I will change it again) Lucy. She was on a Google doc, with two other of my friends. I said in all caps to Emma (Another name change) "Where were you today?" I was genuinely concerned, because we hung out so often.. And then /it/ happened. Depression showed up at my door. One that I thought I would never have, One that I thought I could bypass. Lucy rumoured that I was /yelling/ at Emma. Saying that I wasn't concerned. Saying I was lying. It kept going around. I kept getting more depressed.. Then one day, Lucy came up to Emma one day. And said "Choose either me, or her." Emma couldn't choose. How could she? She wanted to hang out with both of us.. So, we snuck hunt out. Every time Lucy was around, I backed off, I let her have time with Emma. Every time I backed off, I cried. No one asked ever if I was okay. I never was. I still aren't. But that situation is just a memory now. Now... I figured out what Depression I have Its hard. Knowing what it is, what it does to me.. To my life To my personality To my.. My friends. Smiling Depression. When you 'fake smile'. When you say your fine. When you're caring the burden for everyone, so they can stay bright, so you feel good for only a few moments.. When you really, on that bright, happy, smiling shell on the outside.. On the inside.. Thats a different story. You tell yourself it's gonna pass. It wont Ever. You tell yourself It'll be alright It'll never be till someone in your real life, walks up to you and helps you carry that burden. You'll tell yourself "No one cares.. No one wants me" But there is one person.. One person who I know does. Emma, my Dad, and one other person.. One that I love Samantha. Sure, I know, Its gay, but like.. Who can judge me? Bullies? No.. My own emotions is the only thing that tears me down. She and I both almost oofed each other before we met, multiple times. I still think about it (don't ask). But ever since I met Samantha.. My world lit up. Every time I cry, I think of her. I need her... Not in a bad way, but in a good way. I need her for support To help me carry that load.. Augh.. I need to stop yapping... My teeth hurt.. My eyes hurt from crying.. My heart hurts from how heartbroken I was.. I'll never be fixed by the heart, but maybe it'll just be a bandage over a wound till it gets torn off and I'll start bleeding again.. My mind hurts just thinking about it. My throat is caught, Tears in my eyes..