The past

Instructions

TW: talking about h@rr@sment, m@nipulation, tox1c enviroment. Hi, so I finally got enough courage to talk about my past. This was back in elementary school, starting in 3rd grade. It´s really hard for me to make friends irl. I started 3rd grade and hated every day of it. But i always felt good that I was going home after, so I thought I was actually enjoying it more than I did. So I stayed there. I tried to hang out with other kids, but always failed. Then I actually met someone near the end of the grade. We both loved to rp. It was simple. That was what we did every day. But I was still bad at that, crossing invisible boundaries and whatnot. Then at the end of the year, that only friend I had moved. 4th grade I finally made another friend. But they were never consistent, and I still felt alone. I found another friend thanks to that friend. But that would be the worst mistake of my life. This friend would go to juvi3 eventually, and I don´t know if they had before. It was a really toxic environment, and I hat3 all that I was in the past. Every day was a struggle, even if I didn´t realize it that day. There was plenty of friend drama, and man1pulation involved. On my first sleepover, I got s3xu@lly h@rr@ssed. I didn´t know anything was wrong at the time. Wasn´t this just normal? Then my second friend started stealing my stuff, even though I didn´t want to believe it was them. This was my reality. Everything seemed perfectly normal. I always had to struggle just to stay in the friendships I had. I only had one other official friend, and that was because they were my mom´s friend. I never got to see them though after around 4-5 years old(i forgot the exact age). Eventually my second friend went away. It was 5th grade. My first friend moved away for a bit too. I met someone else who I actually became friends with. We mostley just talked, but it was one of the only non-tox1c friends I had. Then my first friend moved back. My first friend was in a relationship, so I was also a third wheel, but I could hang out with my other friend. But then they moved away too. Near the end of 5th grade, my mom told me about a new school. She openly stated to me that I had no friends at my old school. Now I could see(just slightly) how broken I had been through those years. So, I agreed. It was honestly the best change for me. I changed as a person. I hat3d myself back then. Every bit of who I was. I hat3 it. And no matter how hard I try, I can never escape this past. I always get glimpses of how horrible it was. The tox1c enviroment, the man1pulation, the h. And myself. It was really hard to write this, but I hope sharing it might make it better. I have spesific triggers to this past though. 1. When someone uses my d3ad name outside of my imediate family. 2. types of clothing I used to wear(dresses), the way I used to act, the music I used to listen too. 3. When someone uses the pronouns she/her(it´s honestly more fine online. It´s just hard irl). 4. Seeing the people in my life who were there at this time. 5. Mentions, even glimpses of how I was in the past. All of these give me a lot of anxiety, esspesially the last two, which will make me upset, have a panic attack, and extreme distress. The first two are sadly used more commonly, but they still hurt when used. The 3rd is not very bad, but I would honestly still avoid it as much as possible. my family life was honestly fine, except for the cuss1ng. It happens a bit more nowadys, but usually for my older brother. Things are a lot better now at my school, even with the paranoia, and lack of really close people in my life. I can never get rid of that, or these days, or any of it. But I just wanted yall to know. It feels a lot easier to share this online. so there. I hope this informs yall.