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So last night, I went to sleep, as usual, but the dreams I had were very vivid and felt so real that it felt crazy when I woke up. A few of them were just regular weird dreams you'd have, but some of them really left me thinking, which are the ones I'm going to talk about. The first dream I had was kind of the more irrelevant one, but it did feel really real, despite being kind of illogical. Basically what happened is that in the middle of a sunrise, the sun seemed to disappear and the sky went dark except for one star and then huge meteors began crashing to the earth. It frightened me a lot, really. I kind of woke up thinking, "is this a sign from God?" And whether it was or not I don't know, really. I can say it wasn't a vision, though, as I've had dreams like this before, and they're very likely fueled by my anxiety. Still, God works in mysterious ways. The second dream happened after I woke up from the first. I had a hard time wanting to go back to sleep, but I did. It was a dream where me and my twin were at like a church youth group to meet and talk about Jesus and stuff. I remember someone said some kinda blasphemous stuff and we were like "who let this person in" but the person leading (aka guy with microphone who talks about Jesus to us and stuff) just like prayed for them and we were all like screaming "AMEN" and stuff lol. XD Like everyone there was very enthusiastic about Jesus (I wish that's how it always was :wilted-flower:). And so we go on talking about God and stuff and I look at the sky and the clouds are formed perfectly into this absolutely beautiful like, kingdom of sorts, and the sun shining through the clouds. And I remember wanting to ask if anyone else saw it but I thought "maybe this is just for me to see". And I just remember feeling the most beautiful joy and peace ever and feeling like "God, I never wanna leave you ever". And then the clouds kind of parted and turned into their normal shape. And so I feel like that kind of left a mark on me, because not only do I feel like God, for a while (I've had dreams like this before), has been trying to tell me that He's coming back soon, but I feel like He just wants me to come back to Him, and He's trying to tell me that. (I know that my rapture dreams are likely fueled by my anxiety, but there's no doubt that God is coming back soon.) And I do want to come back to Him, but at the same time, I don't. It's not that I feel too broken to come back to God, it's that I'm honestly terrified. I've found comfort in this sadness and anxiety. I don't even understand who I really am anymore, because I want to follow God, but I'm afraid of what might happen. I have really bad OCD, which often manifests as scrupulosity. I've had this looming anxiety for so long that I can't tell the difference between God's voice and my OCD because I get afraid either way. Nothing can ease my anxiety. I'm afraid that God will take away the things that I love. And I know that I shouldn't be afraid, but it almost feels like I need to be, anyway. It's weird to not be afraid. I just can't handle change, even good change. I've changed before and had so many times where I've realized that change is good for me, but it still scares me. I don't even know why anymore. Honestly I have No Surprises by Radiohead on repeat right now cuz it's really just how I feel. I just want a life that's in my control, but the whole point of Christianity is that I'm not in control, God is. And I know that's a good thing, but it still scares me. I just wanna know what's gonna happen and I want it to be my way, and then I fear that I'm a bad person for wanting that. I don't know, it's complicated, I guess. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share that because I can say with certainty that God is real, loving, and perfect - I'm blessed that that is one of the only things I don't doubt often (I have doubted it strongly before, but the evidence for Jesus' existence and resurrection is far too mind-blowing for me to doubt too often) - and because I just want to ask for prayer, comfort, and maybe advice if you have any. I really hope I can get through this and finally know God again, because I know He is the only way to everlasting life, and I know that He is that and more. Thanks for reading! God bless. <3
