Hey, guys! I just wanted to speak my mind about a few things. I've been really... down recently. I don't know what it is, really. I'm confused. I'm feeling so many different things and I think they all have a part in how I'm feeling. For example, I'll start with something that goes pretty far back. I used to have a lot of close friends that I would talk to every day. We'd have most of our classes together, eat lunch at the same table, and even hang out outside of school. It was the dream. But things began to fall apart. Two of my friends had a falling out before I met them, but they seemed fine when they became part of the group. I thought they reconciled. I'll elaborate on this later. Anyways, everyone started drifting apart. First, two of us started dating. It went well at first, but then one of them, the one I was closer with, started being cold to the other, before eventually breaking up with her. We later found out he was too scared to break up with her at first, but it was still a mean thing to do. In fact, he felt so bad that he wanted to end it. One day at gym, we were walking the track outside, and he told me everything. He asked me for advice, and I told him to keep going, even if he has to stop talking to the other. He was thankful, and at the end of class, he told me I pulled him back from the ledge. It was really scary, honestly. I still don't think I'm over it. Anyways, after our final year of middle school, when this all took place, he went into homeschooling. So, he didn't go to high school with us. Another one of my friends, the one I was closest with in 6th grade, eventually became closer with this friend until 8th grade when he went into homeschooling. Now, it's the first year of high school. My closest friend doesn't talk to me anymore. But I still have three friends. The first is the one who got broken up with by the homeschool friend. The second is that person's best friend. The third is a strange case. In 6th grade, he told my closest friend to get in a locker as a joke, and he somehow became part of our friend group. But I'm very thankful he did. If he hadn't joined the friend group then, I don't know if he would have at all. If he hadn't told my friend to get in a locker, we wouldn't be friends. Butterfly effect. Anyways, by the first year of high school, I was down two people. So it was basically me, the newest friend, the break-up girl, and her friend. About halfway through the year, and by this point, the newest friend had become my best friend, he asked me if I had a crush on anyone. I asked why, and he told me that the break-up girl had a crush on me. I thought back, and it made a bit of sense. She was sort of the butt of most of our jokes, but I showed her kindness during that time, and talked to her outside of school a lot. It would only make sense she would feel that way. Deep down, I don't think I felt the same way. But she was kind, and I wanted to make her happy. So my best friend was a double agent. He helped me and her at the same time, and I went to homecoming with her. We made it official soon after. She was my girlfriend. It was nice for a while. We'd go out to the library with her mom and little brother, and sometimes my little brother would come too. But I was having my doubts. After a while, I began to feel like I wasn't doing enough. I mean, her mom was always doing things for us, and my parents were always tired after work. And she'd always bring things to school for me. I mean, the most I really did was buy her a little trinket from goodwill. I know there's more that I did, but I just can't remember. Anyways, I didn't feel like I was doing enough. As her boyfriend, wasn't I supposed to provide stuff too? I felt unworthy. So I broke up with her. I told her we'd still be friends, and she agreed. But after that, she started slipping away too. So I just... let it happen. But, we all had a class together, so that was keeping us together somewhat. Anyways, I always felt like I was the butt of the joke in that class. And she didn't stand up for me like I did to her. I began to feel heartbroken. Could she not at least try? But, surprisingly, her best friend stuck up for me. One day, I had a paper that I was copying from taken, and she called the person out. I was incredibly thankful, and I began to feel different towards her. I developed a crush on my ex's best friend. Nothing ever came of it, though. And looking back, I think I was just extremely grateful and didn't know what to feel in the moment. But anyways, as I was saying before, we all started drifting apart. One person in our class was accused of very serious things. But, guess what? I had no idea why we were avoiding them for the longest time. Nobody told me. They acted like I was a child and they were adults, talking about something I wasn't supposed to hear. I think it was my ex girlfriend who told me, eventually.
(Read the other part first, please.) Still, we drifted apart. At the very end of the year, her best friend wanted nothing to do with her. She told me that they had a big argument and they both said bad things to each other. It was disappointing. But I remained friends with both of them. Well, not friends, exactly... maybe acquainted is the right word. I don't know. But over the summer, we didn't talk much. or at all. This year, my best friend went to a different high school. One for smarter kids. We still talk, but not as often, and it's mostly over the phone. I think we still have a pretty good relationship. Anyways, my ex girlfriend doesn't seem to want to be my friend anymore. I always avoid talking to her because she probably doesn't want anything to do with me. But she says hello to me sometimes. It's not consistent, and it's more confusing than anything. Every time she talks to me, it feels weird. Why don't you check up on me? Ask me how I'm doing? But that would be hypocritical, wouldn't it? I don't do that for her, so why should she? It's different now. Anyways, back to her ex friend, she sits with me at lunch. I get the feeling she really isn't concerned with me anymore. We barely talk outside of lunch, so we're not that close. So that only leaves my best friend. Who I don't even get to see that often. And recently, something happened with two of my online friends. I recently made a server to hang out and chat, and I invited both of them. But after I already invited them, one of my friends told me that the other almost was involved with something not good. I was relieved that he wasn't, at least, but it definitely put me off. Yesterday, my friend joined the server, and my other friend joined as well. Immediately, my friend asks about something I have no idea about, and my friend who told me the thing before tells him to take it to dms. I agree with his sentiment, and a few hours later, I ask him what happened. he says he's fine. I check scratch, and I see a project talking about it from my other friend, and he says he has nothing to be sorry about. That gives me a bad feeling. It's much more likely that people are in denial than in the right when they say it that way. Anyways, the two are not on good terms right now, and I can't help but feel like it's my fault for inviting them both to my server. Why does this keep happening to me? Or maybe, is it my fault? Every friend group I'm in always falls apart. Everyone stops talking to each other. This is the beginning of that, I know it. I'm going to lose everyone again. All that remains of the school friend group is me and my best friend. I don't know if I'll end up alone again, or things will turn out different this time, but I can't help but feel like everything just keeps crumbling. There's a lot more things that I feel, but I'll get into that later. For now, there's one thing I want to know. After reading this, do you think it's because of me? Did I do something wrong, or not do something right? Is it my fault that my friends all leave me eventually? Please don't leave dumb comments. I want your real opinion. I want to know what kind of person I am.
