saudade [soh-dahd, soh-dah-juh] a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that is absent - - - dear m̶u̶m̶ m̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ c̶a̶r̶e̶t̶a̶k̶e̶r̶ delphine, maybe in another universe we'd still be together? i know it's not really true, but i still have faith that you'll return. because i'd wait forever just to see you again, and i know you'd do the same. because you l̶o̶v̶e̶ loved me. r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶ me and silverfishsolace used to play a game together, when we used to be so innocent and small, just kits. 'pretend to be delphine' she taught me all the rules, i've forgotten most by now. but i remember braiding my hair just for you was it all pretend? it still feels odd calling you mum, perhaps it's because you never were. you were fishmothfrolic's mum and you were sunspiderstar's mum, it's not hard to tell. because you gave them love, and you act as if i never needed any. you've left me with a lot of unanswered questions. w̶h̶y̶ d̶i̶d̶ y̶o̶u̶ p̶i̶c̶k̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ o̶v̶e̶r̶ m̶e̶?̶ and d̶o̶ y̶o̶u̶ t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ i̶'m̶ n̶o̶t̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶ a̶m̶ i̶ e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶?̶ . . . and as much as i wish you'd said goodbye, or at least hugged me one last time, you're gone. i'm forsaken. what was i saying near the start? that i had faith in your return? i'll be withered away by then like the flowers we used to plant with each other, dead. like the delphiniums i̶ a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ w̶o̶n̶d̶e̶r̶e̶d̶ w̶h̶y̶ y̶o̶u̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶d̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶. w̶a̶t̶e̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ t̶h̶e̶m̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ t̶e̶a̶r̶s̶.. like maplestar you didn't even say s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶ i̶ l̶o̶v̶e̶ y̶o̶u̶ goodbye to her, even after all the time she waited for you moons and moons eternity almost blind almost deaf almost gone and soon she will be returning to the earth maybe she'll help a young sapling grow into a tree with all the love still left in her heart. she doesn't speak a word, but her eyes say more than her mouth as green as the new-leaf when you departed. maplestar isn't a leader anymore not like sunspiderstar, or like you, delphine. but she's a mother more than you ever were to me. giving all her love till there was nothing left. is that what unconditional love is? you told me to serve my vigil with empathy and maplestar is serving hers too a vow of silence and i wondered what you meant by that. 'empathy' my suffix means 'the love that remains' only the remnants of all the fondness you showed to everyone except me but maybe that's not what you meant. maybe you feel saudade maybe you long for something, someone maybe you still have love leftover maybe it's for me in another life we could have been so so much more but you threw it all away the day you disappeared. i knew you couldn't stay forever but we . . . but i am your daughter i'm your only daughter yet you didn't even bother to say anything as if you were taking a vigil of your own but at least you could've kissed me goodbye because that would've been worth a thousand words words that you couldn't bring yourself to say maybe in another universe we'd still be together? i know it's not really true because you never loved me did you? d̶o̶ y̶o̶u̶ w̶i̶s̶h̶ i̶ w̶a̶s̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶ f̶i̶s̶h̶m̶o̶t̶h̶f̶r̶o̶l̶i̶c̶?̶ i've crossed out so much in this letter sometimes i write from my heart because i'm not sure what to say to you cross my heart and hope to to d̶i̶e̶. i̶s̶n̶'t̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ h̶o̶w̶ t̶h̶e̶ s̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ g̶o̶e̶s̶?̶ see you again one last time? please? i'm sorry, i love you goodbye. w̶i̶t̶h̶ l̶o̶v̶e̶ from y̶o̶u̶r̶ d̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶e̶r̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ s̶o̶n̶?̶ m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶ soulsaudade
