the last sunset - maplestar's death

Instructions

of all the ways she wished to die, and there was a list of them, she supposed this one wasn't high up there. what was, however, was: surrounded by family in the paws of her love valiantly saving her clan from danger. none of those things would happen now she was lonely, no one was holding her, and she had no clan to save maplestar just never imagined she'd die /scared/. the afterlife was supposed to be a momentous occasion, so why was she terrified to go there? it couldn't be worse than not being able to move, in your actual home, to afraid to fall and... well... /die/. but there were too many bad memories there, some that she was too afraid to unearth for they haunted her every move. but it was inevitable, dying, expect if you were Delphine. she used to envy the cat, for being able to live so long, being immortal, that is, but now she pitied her, for who could stand to live that long, watching everyone die around you? she had experienced only 204 moons of it, watching herself outlive everyone else. all her kits were dead, all of her friends were dead, so many of her grandkits were dead. maybe she took it all for granted, having a heavy heart... was better than having an empty one. though some days she debated which one she had. could one be both at the same time? tormented by what she had been and what she had become? there was no correct answer to it. all she knew was that she was dying. it had been happening for a while, the fates pulling at her strings, or perhaps it was Death, leading her into His arms. she always thought Death would be harsh, like being thrown down a hill uncontrollably, but if this was Him, it was soft, like the rumbling of thunder on a perfect rainy day, with you kits curled next to you, and promises, being whispered in your ear by your loved one it almost hit her like a bullet, when she realized she didn't have any of that. she never did. how messed up had her life been? her one mate had died before she had his kits, and they had to grow up without a father, her other from a different clan. had she made a mistake? if she looked back on it, on her younger self, oh how she loved tortrixblight, but a small part of her deep deep down wondered if he was a replacement for licoricefire no, he couldn't be she /loved/ him she had his kits she had both of their kits oh, she didn't mean to be unfaithful, she could love them both? right? oh please tell her she could her heart was so full of love that she could never give out and that might be the one thing that hurt the most ... maplestar had heard that when you die, your mind plays your best memories, like a flash of brilliant white light. she wondered what her's would be. the first sunset with licoricefire, the last sunset with licoricefire, giggling in the dirt while she played with her kits, promising charadecharm that he was the best medic, mentoring serenademarvel as a mother and warrior, urging cadenza to follow their dreams, hugging whimsywish and telling stories, laughing at their height difference with spotlightarcane, comforting enchantedmask with everything, whispering promises to hiraethhalo, playing mossball with solacesoliloquey gossiping with haveneternity, leading the clan with snugvow, adventuring with wanderlusthope, saying her final goodbyes to sanctuarypaw, watching merakimrytle grow into another perfect medic, hugging sunfallear as they met up at the border, seeing lacunapaw act just like their father, telling even more stories with fablekit, staying up late with empyreankit, seeing how much energy fulimarekit had, adopting all four of her other lovely children, watching all of her kits have lives and children, meeting with sorastar almost all the time, talking to bluebellcrest about all of her problems, training with jessaminefaith, learning underneath Delphine, comparing accents to sneezeweedsentenial, mudsliding with tortrixblight, oh how she could go on forever, and she was sure there were cats she was missing out, but how would she be able to see all of this? how? when they were all tainted with her sins, her selfishness, her pride. maplestar never once thought of herself as a rude cat, but she was just so afraid life had painted her that way, and it was a sort of permanent paint, one you had to scrub, and she was even more terrified she had done too much scrubbing, it was only starting to chip. so she lay down, watching the sunset, her vision foggy, her ears muddled, as the colors exploded in the sky, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.