We're Both Boys (Chapter 18)

Instructions

//Tw/ Panic attacks, homophobia, bullying, trauma flashbacks/// Chapter 18 Monday starts like any other day. I get dressed, brush my teeth, do my hair. Arch sneaks up behind me and wraps his arms around me, tousling my hair that I've just finished styling. "Arch!" I grumble. "Mm." He says sleepily. "You messed up my hair!" "But it looks so cute like this." Arch smiles, and kisses the top of my head. It's a nice way to start the day. When I see Ivy, I know something is wrong. She looks scared. "Ivy?" "Ace." "Ivy?!" "ACE!" Okay, Ivy that's a bit dramatic, just cut to the chase. "What is it?" "Follow me." She says, I oblige, and immediately I see something odd. Papers, tacked on the wall, taped to lockers, scattered on the ground. I grab one, and read it. "Wait, Ace-" Ivy says. It's too late. //Dear Arch, ok this is kinda dum, but here me out. I kinda have a crush on you ❤️❤️❤️ do you like me? Ace// And then, underneath my stupid confession note is scribbled message for all to see: 卂匚乇 爪卂ㄥㄥOㄚ 丨丂 Ꮆ卂ㄚ!!!!!!!! Oh no. 卂匚乇 爪卂ㄥㄥOㄚ 丨丂 Ꮆ卂ㄚ!!!!!!!! It's happening again. I'm being outed. Please not this again. *** This is just like at LM Standing. I remember sitting in the boys bathroom. Crying. No friends. Nobody wants to be my friend. Who'd want to be my friend? There's something wrong with me. I remember Greg laughing in my face, his breath reeking. I remember being kicked and tripped and yelled at. Not being able to walk through a hall without a homophobic comment. There was a boy named Jack, who'd been my only friend for years. He immediately ghosted me when he learned my sexuality. There was a boy named Brian, who I'd had a crush on. The look of disgust he gave me when he heard that I was gay. The look of disgust on his face- Am I disgusting? Am I unlovable? All these memories, all these emotions. I'd buried them. But I'm remembering again. I'm remembering how it felt to be unloved. *** "Ace?" I hear Ivy's voice, she sounds so far away. I'm clenching the paper so tightly it crumples. "Ace are you okay?" This letter. I never meant for Arch to see this letter in the first place, and somehow the whole school has seen it. "How did Kenny get this?" I ask. Ivy stares. "Oh no, this is real?" "Yes, this is real!" I exclaim. "Shoot." Says Ivy, "shoot, shoot, shoot! I thought Kenny just wrote a fake letter but this is THE REAL THING?" "Y-yeah." I say, trembling. "Th-this is the real confession letter, haha." "Ace..." Ivy says, looking at me sadly. Then she glances at the letter. "Dude, how are you in Honors English with this grammar?" She asks. "Bad timing Ivy." I say. My vision is blurry. My chest aches. Shoot, shoot, shoot. "I'm sorry Ace. Hey. Hey. ACE???" My breathing is getting more and more frantic. "Shoot! Ace! Stay with me man!" Somewhere far away the first bell rings, but I feel like I'm underwater. Am I sitting down or standing up or still in bed? I somehow can't remember. Why isn't Arch still ruffling my hair, calling me cute anymore? I liked that place. Can I go back there? I wipe my eyes, but pull my hand away when I feel a sharp stinging pain. I've been crying. Crying for so long that the skin around my eyes has been irritated. How long has it been? "Ace?" A voice. I can't see who's talking. I blink my eyes open, realizing that they were clenched shut. Ivy. Thorne. Arch. Arch is gripping my hand. I squeeze his hand back gently. "What happened?" He asks. "T-th-the p-papers." I say. Somehow, I am still clenching one in my hand. I show it to him. "Arch..." My voice is breaking. "I know," Arch says. "It's my fault. I keep the note in my wallet, and I guess, I guess the other day it fell out, and Kenny found it somehow." I look at him. He's a silly, handsome, kind, beautiful boy, and he keeps a confession letter written by me, pathetic me, in his wallet. "W-why?" "What?" Arch asks. "A-at my old school, I w-was outed." I mumble. "And everyone told me I was, uh, they said I w-was disgusting. For liking boys. And you don't think I'm disgusting. W-why? Why do you tolerate me?" "Ace..." Arch says, his brow crinkling. "I don't just tolerate you. I love you." "I love you too, Ace." Thorne says. "Not like Arch does, but you're one of the best friends I've ever had. And I love you." "Yeah, yeah, yeah Ace, I love you." Ivy says. They pause, and then add. "You're the best." "I love you guys too." I whisper. "So, so, so much. You're the best friends I've ever had, and the best boyfriend ever." We sit there for a minute, until Thorne gently asks, "What happened?" "I think it was a panic attack, I used to get those a lot. And a trauma flashback, which is a new thing." I mumble. "Um, what time is it?" "It's 9:25am." Arch says. "Class started at 8:45. Why are you guys here?" "Ace, we weren't going to leave you here." Thorne says. "But-" "Mr. Shel understands." Ivy says. "I'd choose your mental health over Honors English any day." Says Arch.