You either live as the ‘hero’ for all your life.. sacrificing everything on the daily. Keeping the weight. Or you live long enough to become the villain in your own eyes. You watch that spark blow in the wind.. a smoldering flame weakly spitting out embers. You stand in the mirror. Watch a stranger make the moves you do. Stare at the bags under your eyes. Your lack of a smile. So different from what once was. You used to stand so strong.. lift your head up. Smile with an ease. Now each time you force that smile.. another weight falls on your shoulder. The same weight. Crushing down. The heaviest weight of all. The mask. The look in your eyes as you smile sends chills down your spine. Like you aren’t yourself. Like staring at a bad picture. You can feel it’s so forced. And that breaks you more. Im talking in the third person a ton because I feel away from my own body. Like I’m seeing another author write the book I always envisioned. Thats the best way to say it. The hands gripping your soul slam you back down. You stumble back up.. then take that weight back onto your shoulders. Ironic, because you broke your collarbone. Rolling your arm over and over. A ache that never truly faded. Like the one in your heart. Watching your heart rate spike to 187 then shrink back down. You pledge yourself to one thing. Then that one thing breaks you. You hold the weight right above your head. Sure.. your arms shake. The occasional buckle here and there. But you don’t let it all the way down onto the people who you took the weight from. You try everything. Force your muscles through the burn. You force the same smile. Whats a bit more weight on the heap? Hold it. That whats expected. Don’t let them see you break. A million life plans that all somehow spiraled. You let your mind blank.. maybe that will keep it out of every waking and asleep moment. You run on autopilot. Keeping yourself walking on dead legs. You return home to stare at the shell. Then run through the day again. You let your physical muscles burn. But nothing reaches you anymore. Other than that flicker of stupid hope. You trusted it once. Why trust it again? You keep the weight on your shoulders. You slowly let the mask break. It’s truly been broken for a while. You’ve just been acting at this point. It shattered on the floor long ago. You smile, forcing your muscles to just move. It.. cant be too hard. Judged on the surface.. run through the day. See others break. Run through the day. Talk to the same people. Run through the day. You run like you’re trying to find something. But it’s just.. away. A paradise beyond the horizon. You chase it.. every day. Till your lungs burn. Then you double over. You got no closer than you were yesterday. You wonder if all those thoughts are right. They could’ve been. All this agony. Your face slack. Running the same déjà vu. You scream your lungs out into the night. Maybe you’re the villain after all. All of this has forged you back into someone you never knew. But you still know them. Somehow. They were just below the surface. Always staring back at you. You can’t bear the mirror anymore. I haven’t been able to look at myself in far too long. That’s not me. Thats my shell. It looks so.. broken. Bags under the eyes. Those blank green eyes looking back at you. You look at the same horizon. You’ve been slowly forgetting your dreams. If youve even woke up. Just wallowing in this pit of agony. That steady beep. Slowly straightening into a never ending whine. Then a new quiet. Just as loud as the previous sound. You’ve been staring right at a shell as your dead legs drag you forward. What is this world anyways? So horrid in so many ways. Echoing within my own soul. Just as horrid as this place.
