before any of my friends even dare think of any of this is of their own actions: its not, I don't blame you any of you at all. you guys are the only reason I still breath as of typing this, otherwise I wouldn't be here. this will include some heavy stuff..please..leave if your not ready for that. if your a passerby who finds this, don't waste your breath, getting attached is the worst you can do to yourself. Anyways... I'm feeling not the best rn, if I may be honest, only reason Im goofy online is because I don't want you all to worry, just know that if I do say something funny, or of the sorts, there's a good chance I'm just lying to myself and you. moving on, I'm not sure how to feel right now, scratch wise, things are "fine" and I have finished Alan's week for ffstb but that took basically 2 years, 3 AYS's(basically 4 if you count Doodle Sphere) and not only did those not look good in anyway, they took to much time to make. why? because I'm a fricken idiot, someone who doesn't know what the hell he's doing, been doing this for 2 years yet it feels like I haven't learned anything, what do I have so show after 2 years, nothing, yet i have the gull to put myself in an FNF mod, past me was STUPID. when I say I don't feel like I belong on the dev team, I'm serious, I really don't feel like I qualify anymore. to add more salt the only projects relating to FFSTB have been about my own characters my dumb self hasn't taken the notice to help in anyone elses projects, but even if if I did, what the hell can I do? N O T H I N G because I'm useless. and while I'm on the topic of Alan(and Aurora) I have terrible management, because 70% of ALL my animation is relating to the Among us Vessels they have, I haven't out enough attention into the others, hell I only STARTED being serious about the Kirby ones recently in a Google slide show ahh presentation, why? because in my 2 years I've spent my animation points all into among us, and as I've said those STILL looks bad so what else was I gonna do. I feel like I have these high expectations when it comes to my skill but maybe its cause I surrounded myself with others who are wonderful, and no fault to them I love these guys and what they make but I feel like I need to be just as good without even knowing much just so I can feel like I belong in a position where I clearly don't. And then when those same people want to be genuine friends with me I'm confused because I don't deserve crap. my life has shown me that I don't deserve ANYTHING at all. and that it would be better if everyone just forgot about me because I'm useless. I'm confused, why would any good person want to actually be around and talk with me? on the topic of friends...one of my best just..disappeared..on Roblox, her account just said "Account Deleted", she didn't say anything about her account being deleted, she even said she was gonna play with me again the next day, so to see her account just gone...this friend..she "reassured" me with a lot of my problems, a few being here. to see her just..go...Im hoping that maybe she make a new account, which is why if any of you look at my Roblox account right now, its gonna say "Where did you go Laiz?". I was even gonna tell her I have a scratch account so that we could talk during school the next day..to see her gone, its just...really...really hurts. and on the topic of hurt. this whole situation with my mom and not having me be able to interact with you all and others nearly as much I'm not taking it well even. I know shes concerned about the people I meet online but I've been doing this for 4 years at this point I think I'm smart enough to decipher a friend from an old man trying to be an e girl and groom me. I know the red flags I'm not stupid. I'm just not. now on to my gripe with Alan And Aurora, their lore, stuff like this...I've been building their story for, I kid you not, 4-5 years in my head. almost every experience, battle, hardship, everything all in my head, yet...I haven't done nearly enough as I have to show their story, even though I've only revealed to it to a few friends around 10 ish and yet none of them even know the full story about just 1 vessel pairing, let alone the about 10ish pairings I've come up with( with more which each franchise/piece of media I decide they have a vessel for) their story is one I think many will enjoy as much as I have building it. Yet not only do I not have any good art of them(Esspeically Aurora) despite me knowing damn well what they both look like for all their vessel pairings because I don't know anything, but I feel like I should because of all the art I have seen, why am I too stupid or ignorant to keep a mental note of how to draw something decent even? JUST WHY. I WANT to put this out but then my own anxiety and shyness is keeping me from spilling everything to even just 1 person I trust. I'm just...I'm just punching myself into the ground because I'm so damn stupid.
Im sorry if this was long. I wanted to add more but scratches limit stopped me. But it doesn't really matter anyway cause I'm Alan(if I can even say that's my real name)! the funny happy go lucky idiot, I have 0 excuses to feel bad! everyone has it worse than me so I don't have a right to cry, my tears will never reach the ground because their not real! my feelings are invalid!. my job to live, keep everyone I care about happy, and hopefully when I die, everyone would've forgotten about me already, which means no one will care, and no one will be sad. because I'm useless :D! Useless as always! my life makes me feel like I am so its gotta be true. I don't matter at all :D 9 years, I have 9 years to make everyone move on from me now and in the future. no one should cry, not for me at least.
