the things we never say

Instructions

t̶o̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶m̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ to maplestar. it's been a long time, hm? I've been debating whether I should send you this entry or not. of course, I decided I should. whether you deserve it, though is quite the question. but you should know the truth. now, how should I begin? ah, yes. maplestar. leader of mossclan. chosen by the stars herself. that is certainly the title, if I say so myself. you have always been good at making others smile. making others feel better. being such a naive, yet comforting presence. reassuring, in a way. you've gained at least some credit for that. but it only worked on everyone else. I've seen who you are. I know who you are. your true colors, and not just the "good" or "kind" leader everyone made you out to be. perhaps they still would've if they weren't dead. you say you love your kits. you said you love me. maybe you do. but if you loved me you would've looked me in the eye and said so. and I can't recall when the last time you did that was. I should've never had to question that. I know now to focus on myself. I know now to only trust myself. I learned that if I needed something, I had to make myself important enough so that perhaps you might finally talk to me instead of dilly-dallying with some cross-clan freak. I learned, eventually, to not expect anything from you. the only thing you gave was suffering. and the only promise you could ever make would be in vain. I can prove that with my dead body. and the bodies of songbirdnymph. and spotlightarcane, and whimsywish, and enchantedmask, and hiraethhalo, and every other starclan-forsaken cat that lay buried underneath /your/ campgrounds. perhaps that is why I was so magnificent. composed. dashing. clever. everything that they wanted me to be. don't mistake that for complaint or bitterness. I am pleased with how I managed to turn out. without your or father's pathetic aid. speaking of my father... you should know that I always held such resentment towards him. because he managed to get killed by some badger before I even managed to take my first breath. he died without ever getting the chance to know who I was. not just his week old kit. not just his eldest son. I never took it as a noble sacrifice. now I know the full story. well, father's sob story, more like. maybe because he actually decided to have a civilized conversation with his own son. and I told him. I told him about tortrixblight. I'm not sorry. I told him because there was no telling whether you would without making it sound like you were in the right. you carried on from his death. you had "a clan to lead" and "cats to feed" and more and more souls to inflict with your vision for a happy community- only for it to fail miserably. I should have admired you. I should have looked up at you and smiled, but I didn't. I blamed you. I despised you. maybe because I pitied you. maybe because I still do. so when tortrixblight came along... when the gathering came along... I suddenly realized that he had something I wanted. something I didn't. and that was your attention. I saw everything. I saw you two, looking into each other's eyes as if the whole world around you had just disappeared. I attempted to convince myself I disliked him because he replaced my father. because you were making a fool of yourself being with him. there's much more to add to that list, actually, but I certainly won't look into that now. and those are all valid reasons. convincing arguments, if you will. I have always been excellent at those. but maybe I was just angry because he had a place alongside you and I didn't. but I will pretend as if I never admitted that. it's quite embarrassing anyways. maybe you think I resented you so... because you were a horrible mother. believe me, darling, that would've been much easier to do. and I would've taken the easy route. but you were so kind... so good... and so, so disgustingly perfect... that I was unable to convince myself you didn't love me. do you understand how inconvenient that was, maplestar? you could smile. you could hug. you could laugh. you could purr. and I still hated you. and I still hate you. I thought for the longest time that serenadekit that younger me was so weak. so weak for wanting such things. but in the end he was only a kit that wanted his mother's acceptance. he only wanted her praise and her acknowledgement. it wasn't much to ask. that was all. perhaps if he had been satisfied, he would've grown up alongside his mother. not only as her son not only as her apprentice not only as a name that she called in a ceremony but a friend someone who would trade the world for his mother a comrade a deputy someone trusted someone respected but he never did manage to gain that. and he grew up. and sought his acceptance in others and became someone magnificent someone loved but never truly loved only seen as an idol only seen as someone charming