(first writing) "..... I did that. no god would save me. I doubt it. I doubt any smart god would take me and call me good. so I made my own. the stars something to look to when nothing feels good anymore. I made an excuse. a lie I used to make me feel like a better person than I am and a false hope that maybe I could change. I know I cant change though. that's the issue that's my issue I don't change no matter how many times it is thrown at my face that I need to I just dont. its a problem, I'm the problem. I'm not an issue that needs to be solved because there is no solution I'm just...... I'm just trying. I'm trying to be someone that maybe in some world god would save. maybe god could help..... but I know he wont. so I'll keep trying and failing to change and be better be someone worth saving be someone worth anything...... and I'll keep giving myself excuses to try and make things hurt less. to try and null the fact that nothing matters. not to god. not to me. and not to a world. and my excuse will mean nothing at all."
(second writing) "I want more. I don't know what I want more of but I feel like I deserve more of something like its owed to me..... though I haven't earned anything more than what I have.... if I have earned this more then I would have it.... but I don't.... so I clearly haven't earned whatever it is I want more of..... then again how do you look for something if you don't know what that something is? I don't think you can. I know I have plenty but a sliver of myself feels like there is more I have earned even when I have done nothing at all. is it praise? maybe a want to be noticed for something more? I look for praise in everything I do, I go around and ask people if I did good and how I can improve how maybe I could one day be.... good.... at whatever it is I am wanting praise for..... or is it love? I have a loving partner and a family who at least maybe trys....... so what love am I missing? my mother and I never really saw eye to eye..... well ever... I doubt we ever will. my father loves me and says he's inspired by my need to keep moving forward and always get back up despite the fact I am so so tired...... my little brother is annoying.... but they all are till they learn some actual careing skills. my older sister has what is count as a family. one I'd love to be a part of but doubt I could. I have my older brother who doesn't contact much at all. he's busy I understand that. and my partner. he's trying his best. and that all I could ever really ask for.... so then maybe i crave something else. maybe what I crave is me..... maybe I crave to love myself like I may be once had and so often try to convince myself about. I say daily to myself that I am such a good person in the grand scheme of things.... but I feel every time I say it, it loses its meaning more and more becoming more and more dull. like an apology you continue to repeat without change despite you genuenly trying to fix what you've done and atone for it. that's the issue with an apology it loses its meaning the more you need to say it simply because you are human and make mistakes. so maybe that's what I crave.... a self apology of some sort. maybe I think I deserve to be told sorry by someone. maybe someone in my past I am just waiting for them to apologise for whatever it is that they did. oh some gratification for what I did do for them when I was there. or.... maybe I'm just tired..... and am overthinking feelings I dont understand just yet. maybe..... just maybe...... a story is just a story..... and maybe..... a feeling is just a feeling..... with no real meaning behind it.... maybe I'm trying to make sense of my own mind because I am not and never will be sure what my own feelings mean or if they matter. so maybe I don't deserve more. maybe its just a feeling of pride I have..... and ego.....I will never be quite sure. and that's okay... I guess."
