God I can't believe summer break is over already :( ~ CW: talking about mental health and dysphoria I really dont want to go back, especially since im starting HS and... its a new school... and I only have one friend coming with (and i barely have anything w/ her) I *already* feel the negative affects that school takes on me. I dont want it to get even worse. The dysphoria gets so unbelievably bad that I cant even put into words how bad it gets; so bad that it starts taking a HORRID toll on my mental health and wellbeing. what do i even tell others to call me? I cant find a name. I dont even know if there is a name for me. Maybe my nonhumanity is leading me to have a complete disconnect from something humans created and expect me to have? I dont want to be anxious 24/7, I dont want the anxiety attacks, I dont want the dysphoria (gender + species), I dont want to feel miserable and snappy constantly. I also dont want to be online the entire year again, but its also really one of the few escapes i can get... I love how i can be myself without shame on my socials, but I also hate how my brain uses it as a coping mechanism I guess in the end, I just dont want to be human... and one that looks like a girl at that. the society humans made absolutely sucks buns, and is absolutely miserable and oppresive. I just want to go home. so, so, so much. I miss everything, and as life goes on, I miss it more and more. The dysphoria gets worse. The Misanthropy deepens (which I hate that i just cant seem to have empathy for humans). Everything just feels worse. I want to be myself. I want to look like myself. I want to be perceived by others as myself. Even transitioning to look like a man would help, even if I cant fully transition into the nonhuman animal I know I should be. But my dad is a transphobic bum, so thats also out of the question until I am a legal adult. I dont know if I can handle looking like this for 4+ more years. I could talk to my mom about this, but I also eventually will need to come out to him as well. I will be safe, I know that, he would never.. harm me. But I hate him, I feel like he doesnt deserve a relationship with me, and the knowledge of who i am. He will never accept me. I feel like he loves me for who I once was, and who he thinks I should be... i dont think he loves ME. But even in 4+ years, when I can do what I want without permission from my dad, will society have it available? Humans hate anyone whos not cishet. Everything rn is horrible. Will I still be legal then? Will I still be allowed RIGHTS then? i just dont know what to do, and it terrifies me that a free future may not even exist for me.
sorry if nothing makes sense, my mind is everywhere right now i wont be active like... 8AM-3:40PM (PDT) on weekdays
