fear

Instructions

I don't know what happened. I really don't. One minute, I was home. My blanket was on my bed, my things were where I left them, and everything was normal. I thought I was safe. I thought nothing bad could happen because I was home. Then I blinked. And I wasn't home anymore. I was standing beside Red in a place that wasn't really a place. It was just... black. Black above us. Black below us. Black everywhere. There were no walls to touch, no ground to sit on, no stars, no moon, nothing. I couldn't even tell if we were standing or floating. I was scared, so I grabbed Red's hand. He was the only thing that felt real. His hand was warm. I remember holding it really tight. Then something happened. And somehow... I was alone. Now I'm here. My city is still standing, but it doesn't look like my city anymore. The buildings bend in ways buildings aren't supposed to bend. The streets stretch too far, like they don't want me to find my way home. The windows are dark. The sky looks wrong. Everything is quiet. Too quiet. Sometimes I call out for someone. Anyone. jet, black, Red. But nobody answers. Sometimes I hear footsteps behind me, and I get really happy because I think someone finally found me. I turn around so fast that my neck hurts. There's never anybody there. I don't like that. Everything hurts now. My feet hurt from walking. My head hurts. My stomach hurts because I'm hungry, and I can't remember the last time I ate something. I'm so tired that my eyes keep closing by themselves. But I can't sleep. What if something finds me? What if I wake up and the city is even worse? What if I close my eyes and... I don't want to think about that. I keep telling myself this is a dream. It has to be. Dreams aren't real. Bad dreams end. Don't they? I just want my bed. I want my blanket pulled up to my chin. I want the little sounds my house makes at night. I want the lights from the hallway underneath my door. I want someone to tell me it's okay. I want everything to be boring again. I never knew boring was something you could miss. I miss laughing. I miss being happy without having to try. I miss waking up and knowing what the day was going to look like. I miss being a kid. I think I miss being a kid the most. Because I don't think I'm one anymore. Not here. Not after Red. I keep remembering his face. He was scared. I know he was. He tried to hide it from me, but I saw it. His eyes were shaking, and his smile looked like the kind he made when he didn't want me to worry. Then he pushed me away. He told me to run. I didn't want to. I told him I wasn't leaving him. But he made me. And then... He didn't come with me. Red took himself out so I could get away. I don't know how to say that without feeling like my heart is breaking. My brother saved me. And I hate him for it. I don't mean that. I don't. I just... I wish he hadn't. I wish he had come with me. Big brothers are supposed to come back. They're supposed to hold your hand when you're scared. They're supposed to know what to do. They're supposed to tell you when you're safe. Red promised me. So why isn't he here? i keep saying I'm lucky. that I survived. But surviving doesn't feel lucky. It feels like I stole something that belonged to him. It feels like I was supposed to disappear with him, and somehow I didn't. Sometimes I wonder if he knew he wasn't coming back. Sometimes I wonder if he smiled because he knew I would remember it. I don't want to remember it. I want to forget his last smile. But I'm scared that if I forget it, I'll forget him. So I keep remembering. His voice. His hands. His stupid jokes. The way he used to laugh. The way he said my name. I wish I had held his hand tighter. I wish I had refused to let go. I wish I had been brave enough to save him too. I wish I could go home. I wish someone would come looking for me. I wish Red would come running around the corner and tell me he found me. I wish I could hear him laugh. Just one more time. Just once. Then maybe I wouldn't be so afraid. Maybe I could stop crying. Maybe I could finally sleep. But the dark is still here. And Red isn't. So I keep walking. Because he told me to run. And I don't know how to go home without him.