I don't know what this means. I wish I could just curl up into nothingness. I don't feel like I'll ever be happy. I'm not going to do anything like *that* I don't think, but I'm having a rough time. So, goodbye, I guess. For context (ripped from my comment section reflection): Okay, I'm going to be honest. I don't think I feel like a girl, but I also can't stand being a guy. I don't know what that means about my gender dysphoria. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like crap, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if I want to be a girl, or if I'm just forcing that, and everybody says that's impossible on many levels, but I feel like I literally thought so hard about my gender that it broke. I don't want to be he/him or a boy, and I feel like they/them. I don't really feel like neopronouns or xenogenders will help anything, and I don't want to be called by my name. She/her and "girl" is probably the closest I've ever gotten to something that fits, and it just makes my brain point out every single little masculine thing about me and I hate it. But at the same time, I don't feel confident making steps to being more feminine would help me. I don't know what the little bit of "ehh" when I'm called a girl is, and I definitely don't know what the whole bunch of "nope" is when I'm called a guy. I'm not 100% sure I would press the button to make me a girl, and I'm not sure I would like it if I did. I'm not sure I would take estrogen if given the chance. I don't know anymore. It shouldn't be this deep. I just can't anymore. I feel like I'm just acting. Acting as a boy. Acting as a girl. Acting. I end up playing a character one way or another, but never me. I shouldn't have to force myself into boxes. And I don't have to. But my brain wants me in a box. Maybe I am actually transfem, and all this doubt is just my brain finding every single contradiction to the statement "I'm a girl". But maybe I'm not, and my brain is trying to make sense of something else. I feel obligated to be the brother, the son, a boy, a man. It feels impossible that I could be the sister, the daughter, a girl, a woman. And yet maybe that's what I want? But do I actually want that? The steps to that feel scary, and I'm comfortable where I am, but that's a lie. I wouldn't be having such a hard time, I would be a completely different person if that were true. Or would I? Maybe it's that I can only be sure of myself when I'm not forcing it, because that seems to be what's happening. When confronting myself over this, I panic, but when I just casually think about it, I'm like "sure, I'm fine where I am, but being a girl would be *so cool*" And then I start fantasizing about it and get really happy because I *could* be that. But then I try to be how I want to be based on that fantasy, and everything feels wrong. What does any of this mean? What's wrong with me? Do I just always want to be the opposite? If so, there's nothing I can do.
Update: I guess I'm okay, but I just don't know how to stop thinking about this. Like I'm trying to just move on with my life and just be me, but it's still there. That feeling of uncertainty. That weird little "but wait..." Right now, I'm a boy, and I'm trying not to overthink that. But maybe I'm also a girl? Now I'm uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right. I'm trying so hard to stop worrying about labels, and just be "Pherb" or "Madeline" or "Phin" but it just doesn't work like that. At least it's just a vague "ehh" and not full on dysphoria... Update update: So, I guess this is what I was hoping for? I'm uncomfortable as a boy. And looking like a boy. Honestly, this is what I was hoping would happen, that I did end up as a girl. I think maybe I'm just experiencing a lot of internalized transphobia, and also my brain loves to base entire groups of people off of first impressions, and my brain expects me to pass just like that, and want to do girly things, not to mention never have a "Wish I was that guy" moment. So the boxes I've been trying to force myself into are really inaccurate and also too small. Fun times.
