On the Brink

Instructions

TW: Vent/mental health/animal death Hey everyone! First of all, im okay and im sorry that I just kinda left without any heads-up (and for the edgy title lmao). but, it was only for a week-ish which isn't that long. second of all, im gonna be talking about mental health here, but remember this: I'm nineteen. I am an adult. sure, send your sympathies or whatever, but I have my own irl support system. you don't need to coddle me, you don't need to feel bad for me, im an adult and not your friend. (most of y'all I don't think need to be told this but some people do :/) I am posting this because I know that mental health is important to address, and I want you to know that its okay to not be okay. So, my dog died. On June 27th, 2026, at 6 pm. about nine hours after id left home to be a camp counselor for a month. I wasn't there for her last moments, but the night before I left I held her in the backyard crying because I knew that it would probably be the last time that I got to. I had started smelling death on her a couple days before that. She died too young. she was only ten years old, but she had congestive heart failure. it started out as just a small murmur that the vet told us we didn't need to do anything about yet, but it progressed so quickly that in just a couple of months we had to take her to the emergency vet for rapid breathing, where they kept her for two days on oxygen. once she was released back to us, the vet told us that she had anywhere from six to eighteen months to live. she blew past that at twenty one months, but by then she had almost completely stopped eating or drinking. towards the end my mom asked me once when was the last time id seen her wag her tail, and I had to say that it was during one of her seizures (another health issue of hers), and it was about then that I knew we didn't have much longer together. Since she'd been sick for so long, I had almost kind of "pre-grieved" her death. for instance, when I left for my first year of college, I prepared myself for maybe not ever seeing her again. when I left for my spring semester of freshman year, I did the same. and yet, miraculously, she made it till summer. when she did finally pass on, I had already cried so many tears over her that not many came after that phone call with my mom to tell me the news. I sat, processed, and then got on with my day entertaining the kids. It wasn't until one of the full-time staff members at the camp was walking his dogs through a main area later that week that it kind of hit me and I broke down. It was a really awful night, none of it made easier by the fact that I was away from home, I felt like I couldn't let the kids see me upset, and I still had some duties to do before I could get to my night off (that thank goodness I had scheduled for that night off anyways). This dog had seen me through the majority of my childhood. I got her at the end of fourth grade, and it still doesn't feel fully real that she's gone. I keep on thinking I'll see her even though her box of ashes, all that's left of her, is sitting on my computer desk. I don't know what to do with them. The worst part is the fear of forgetting. because sure, for now I remember. For now I remember how warm her head was when I kissed it, how it felt to hold her, the weight of her, how she smelled, how her paws felt in my hands, but how long until I forget? How long until her ghost leaves me too? So, all of that along with I think a long coming burnt-out streak have kind of collapsed into each other and left me here. I feel like im floating, but my chest is sinking so low it's falling out my feet. I feel fine but kind of dead. ive done practically nothing but lay in bed all day and I haven't showered in three. yeah, gross. that's depression for you. And there's nothing I want more than to just be okay again. im so scared and im so exhausted. im terrified of the people who depend on me and who believe in me. not THEM, really, but their expectations. My parents and grandparents, the people sitting there, WAITING on me for the next moonflower instruction. I still believe in and will finish that series, I swear, but it's been hard to work on recently. and just thinking of it and the people depending on me regarding it gives me soul-crushing anxiety. Someone asked a question two weeks ago that I haven't responded to yet and it makes me feel physically ill. sometimes I wish no one believed in me so that I wouldn't have anyone to let down. I can imagine it: fading into nothingness, letting myself become a complete disappointment to everyone around me, disappearing from society forever to live out a hermit life away from everyone and everything id ever cared about. because sure, it would hurt, but it would be quick and over then. I'd only have the past to mourn over instead of the future to fear for.