Suppose I should probably talk to someone with a degree, but let’s be honest, adults will never understand what kids go through nowadays. Just a lot of trigger warnings, please don’t read further if you’re sensitive to anything. I ought to preface this by saying I have memory loss problems along with a few mental illnesses that will more than likely be obvious soon enough. My mum is the most ‘supportive’ when it comes to ‘helping’ me recover from things that happened in the past. In reality, she doesn’t do much to help me but remind me that I’m nothing like what she raised me to be and I’ll never be perfect in her eyes. She often criticises my choices beyond what could be considered good. Sometimes she’d be in a good mood so I’d introduce her to things I like and often times she’d be okay with it at first then break down my confidence with it. An example is when I was finally allowed to dress in a more scene style, and she allowed it at first, even helped me pick out clothes. Then she kept making comments about me looking ‘too dark and emo’ and said I looked like a word I can’t say here. She’s done this multiple times. I’m not allowed to be gothic in the slightest bit, hell, I got her passive aggressive comments when I wore black pants with a black shirt. So I went for a more pastel colour palette of clothes for a bit and she only would ever complain of it and say I’m horrible at putting together my own outfits. She often calls my clothing choices a ‘phase,’ mind you, I’ve loved the look and aesthetic of these clothes since before I knew the word ‘aesthetic.’ Yes, I know some phases may last longer than others, but I have unfortunately found myself in a position where I’ve had to grow up much too fast. I haven’t changed since I was eleven, and I doubt I’ll change much more as the years go on. Even if I don’t stay in the scenecore style, as I’ve dabbled in weirdcore and similar things, I know I’ll likely stay alt throughout most of my life. Why this is important is because she often tells me that I pay too much money for clothes and I’m ruining my wardrobe for the future, as most of it is more alt. My memory issues has, over the years, taken a toll on my overall life. While, yes, it isn’t as severe as other forms of memory loss, it still impacts my daily life and relationships with people. I often forget conversations, names, and things I’ve done. While few memories remain untouched by the problem, a good bit still is affected. This may not have been much of an issue if people didn’t use this as a means of embarrassing me or lying to my face. My memory had gotten a bit better over the last year, and I’ve started to pick up on the fact that my family will sometimes change my arguments from prior conversations or say they didn’t say something. Now, I know that I literally just said I have memory problems, so I’d like to clarify that I had a hunch and overall feeling that it was happening, so I write down what our main points were during conversations so I can look back to see if my memory is failing me or if they’re lying to me. Often times, it’s been them lying. I struggle in public settings for lots of reasons, and over time, my brother has grown comfortable mocking me and bullying me, as he knows my parents won’t punish him. He has a tendency to call me a ‘crybaby’ among other less acceptable names. He also often purposefully does things that he knows will stress me out more because he thinks it’s entertaining or something. I’m not sure if this is common since I only have my partner and one friend that I really talk to.
