Sigh okay so I've been kinda low motive recently, but um please enjoy this sheep update and new pronoun experimenting srp that I wrote while sleep deprived at 3 in the morning last night. Anyone else ever feel like the longer you spend on something, the more you hate it? Kinda what happened to me with this but I just decided it was good enough! Super late in posting this, I was supposed to have it done WEEKS AGO but sigh deadlines are...not my strong suit. ____________________________________________ Sunspiderpaw woke to the rhythmic sound of soft breathing. For a moment, he was disoriented, his half-awake mind expecting to see the intertwined vines of the apprentices' den. Instead, his amber eyes slowly blinked open to reveal the pale morning sky framed by the verdant foliage of the newleaf trees. Rolling to the side, he saw his lamb sleeping peacefully, and remembered why he had been sleeping out here by the camp boundary instead of in the cozy warmth of his nest. Sunspiderpaw let out a soft sigh, stirring the dew-soaked grass by his muzzle. He hadn't intended for it to become a habit the first time he'd slept in the corner of camp with his lamb. The only reason he even did it in the first place was because the creature couldn't stand Cider being out of his line of sight, and started bleating as soon as he'd curled up in his nest, peering in at him desperately through the gaps in the lattice of branches that made up the apprentices' den's roof. Sunspiderpaw had originally tried to ignore the noise, hoping he'd eventually calm down, but the lamb had only grown louder, more frantic, his calls echoing through the den until half of the apprentices were awake and grumbling. Cider had ended up dragging his nest outside that night, whispering hurried apologies as he went. He’d curled up beside the lamb, and the moment he saw him settle down, he had quieted, pressing his woolly face against his flank with a relieved huff. The same thing had happened the night after that, until Sunspiderpaw eventually caved and decided to sleep with him again. Now, it was his third morning in a row waking up outside the apprentices' den, and he still hadn't fully gotten used to it. He got to his paws slowly, arching his back in a stretch. The lamb shifted at the movement, letting out a small, disgruntled bleat before settling back down. Sunspiderpaw's gaze flitted around the silent camp before coming to a rest on the sheep's foreleg. When he'd first found him, Cider wasn't sure if he'd be able to cure his wound, but now, all that remained of the huge gash that was previously there was a small pink scar. He had checked on the sheep every day, and as soon as he was able to walk without limping, he’d taken him back toward the FlurryClan border, hoping that his family might have returned to the rolling hills, ready to take back their missing Clanmate. But unsurprisingly, they'd found nothing. The lamb hadn’t wanted to leave him anyway. While they searched, Sunspiderpaw had tried to keep his distance, half expecting him to wander the fields and graze for a while, but he had stayed close, even stepping on his paws a few times. Every day since then, Sunspiderpaw had gone back to look, but with no luck. He hadn't named the lamb yet. He'd told himself not to. After all, this was never supposed to be permanent. Cider had hoped that it would be simple and straightforward, that he'd heal a creature in need and then let him free, but sitting here now, watching it sleep peacefully beside him, he at last accepted the truth. They weren’t going to find his family. And deep down...he didn't really want to anymore. No matter how many times Sunspiderpaw checked the fields, no matter how carefully he tried to keep his distance, the lamb had eventually managed to steal his heart. He had chosen him, and now he wasn't going away. As Sunspiderpaw watched his new friend's sides rise and fall, he felt a faint, uncomfortable tug in his chest. If the lamb wasn't leaving...then maybe the tightness he'd been trying his best to bury wasn't leaving either. The thought snuck in against his will, and he quickly tried to suppress it, but to no avail. Cider didn't want to think about it, but the strange unease he'd first acknowledged sitting on that rock as a kit had only grown worse over time. At first, he'd figured he'd feel better if he worked harder. Whenever that feeling returned, he'd again dismissed it as simple overthinking, distracting himself with something useful. There was always another den to clean, another border to patrol, another cat who might need help. Another thing to do that was more important than sitting idly by, frivolously wondering why a few silly words could make everything feel so wrong. Every now and then, he'd begin to finally feel alright, but then he'd overhear somecat talking about him or catch his reflection in a puddle, and all the irritating sparks he'd been oh-so-carefully snuffing out would fire up again. Continued in n+c!
Cider sighed quietly, absentmindedly kneading the damp grass under his paws. He knew it was about time he stopped waiting for the uneasiness to leave. Just like the lamb, it wasn't going away, but in this case, he had to do something about it. So, Sunspiderpaw sat with another sigh and began to do what he did best: overthink. He'd already figured out what bothered him. It was those silly words, that shouldn't have meant anything. Those pronouns. Being called a brother, a tom. Sunspiderpaw finally admitted to himself, that was the reason why his fur prickled, that was why he felt weirdly hollow. It wasn't exactly that he /hated/ his pronouns, they just weren't right, at least right now. But what could he do to fix it? Cider flexed his claws against the grass, and ear twitching towards the center of camp as the first few cats trotted out of their dens. Maybe he was looking at it the wrong way, maybe he had been trying so hard to figure out why those pronouns felt wrong that he hadn't stopped to think about which ones might feel /right./ Slowly, Sunspiderpaw began to go through everything he'd heard other cats use. /She, it, fae, they, xe, ey.../Cider frowned slightly. They all sounded new, comfortable, refreshing, but there were so many options. He had spent so long trying to make himself feel fine in one set of pronouns that thinking about all the others felt almost overwhelming. How was he supposed to know which one was right? Maybe he could...try them all out for a while, see what felt the best? That seemed reasonable. Sunspiderpaw glanced down at their paws, suddenly feeling a little silly. She had spent so long acting like fae felt fine instead of simply considering it could try something new. Sunspiderpaw lifted her head, blinking as the sounds of camp slowly pulled xem back to reality. They hadn't noticed how much time had passed. Almost everycat was up and moving now, stretching away their sleepiness before heading towards the fresh-kill pile for something to eat. Others were already preparing for patrols, chatting amiably with each other as they made their way toward the camp exit. It was an ordinary morning, but to Sunspiderpaw, it seemed a bit brighter, better, happier. She smiled, looking back at the lamb beside em, who was now awake and watching the camp with curious eyes. With a lighter step than before, Cider padded toward the center of camp, ready to begin the day. __________________________________________ Sunspiderpaw is now experimenting with their gender. Sunspiderpaw now uses any feminine and neutral pronouns.
