this one feels more self-explanatory honestly i have POTS (a chronic condition affecting my heart rate and how effectively blood can circulate through the body) and although exercising is the exact thing that can improve or even alleviate some of my symptoms, those same symptoms can make it feel impossible to do so. POTS is a semi-common comorbidity of ADHD, and the idea that sparked this piece was from the eerily similar experiences found in both conditions. simple, mundane tasks become difficult, you often feel terrible both physically and mentally, and the only aid is to just get up and DO IT…. but… you just can’t. for this reason, i’ve never really managed to form habits or routines, and this is FRUSTRATING. for some reason or another, something will go wrong, and the whole thing shatters. i think of a time in 2024 when i swore that i would finally commit to running every day: i’d go out to the garage, get on the machine, and run a measly two miles. it didn’t seem like much; my entire family were athletes. in fact, my parents participated in marathons and my brother, for a time, intended to compete on a cross-country team too. i was a great runner once. i, with my legs sculpted from years of surfing, flying off the trampoline, and chasing my friends across the neighborhood, would effortlessly zip by my classmates when we’d compete. for a time, it was easy. until the pain started. somewhat bitter at my fall from grace, i’d trudge myself out to that garage each afternoon and attempt to reclaim some sliver of dignity. despite my best efforts, i didn’t last a month before i nearly blacked out and went hurdling towards the unforgiving floor. the pain is piercing and deafening, caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain. it lands squarely between the eyes, and if you’re not careful enough, you may lose the function of your eyesight for a duration ranging from a few seconds to a minute. as the light filtered in again, i stared at the blurry figure of the ceiling light. I haven’t made another attempt to consistently exercise since. Last semester, I was hot off of the heels of a redemption in my academic career: I’d been consistently earning A’s in the most rigorous classes my school offered, i had good relationships with my teachers, and i had gotten used to genuinely succeeding. I was finally getting somewhere with this! or so, i thought so. just as i had a rough ending with my attempt to start running again, 2026 hit me brutally. it felt like an insult to everything i’d worked towards. i didn’t feel like doing work anymore. i felt miserable constantly. i didn’t sleep. and… i made this painting. the thing is, though, i kind of lied earlier. despite the fact that my teachers no longer found me to be as hardworking and impressive, i finished the year with (mostly) A’s. i earned some of the school’s highest scores on my AP exams. i do, technically, have our highest standardized testing scores in at least five years. i pulled through the worst semester of my high school career and miraculously emerged in one piece (upon retrospection, i was definitely due for a renewed depression diagnosis). and yes, i have even been getting active again, which would’ve been unthinkable a few months ago. things haven’t exactly panned out for me in the past, but you better bet that i’ll be fighting to be toppled again this time. even still, i maintain that there is value in having those failures — they’re useful for teaching you. more specifically, they’re useful for teaching you what you’re made of when you pull yourself back up again. it’s okay to be covered in scrapes by the time you try again, and it’s okay to simply appreciate each attempt regardless of if it works out; you have to run the marathon one mile at a time, after all. - art: me music: jigsaw falling into place by radiohead collegeboard: giving me a 4 or whatever
