As I grow older, I start questioning myself. Not my indentity, not my s3xuality, my existence. Why do god send me here? It use to be " To spread the word of God" but now it's "God sent me to aggravate the world". When you've heard " I wish God could take me " from someone else's mouth because of you, you start feeling like the mistake that made them depressed. I have told that many times, so many times I hope something will give them hope, but punishment me. I was so sick and tired , I tried to tell them that they said that so many times , I stopped feeling the hurt, they make it feel more my fault. I started to understand something; It's them you need to please, you had no purpose here. I found a way of living that seemed to fits me: Sociopathic. this is the definition : " "Sociopath" is a non-diagnostic, colloquial term for someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). It is characterized by a lifelong pattern of disregarding social norms, chronically manipulating others, and lacking empathy or remorse. " ( Google) these are the key details: Lack of Empathy: Difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings of others. Manipulation: Frequent use of deceit, gaslighting, and charm to exploit others for personal gain .Impulsivity: Acting recklessly without regard for personal safety or the consequences of their actions. ( Google) People like this have survived harsh words, feeling sadness , and they are emotionless. This is what I want to be. I'm tried of making people happy, I'm tired of being helpful , and I'm tired of being top student. You'd think I LOVE being top student, people whose parents don't care about grades and kids who get b's and c's have always made me jealous and then kids under the nerdyness spell have gotten me jealous too. I been called names, I've called myself names. I hope one day, a person came come down and make me feel like I belong and I'm needed in this world. I wish I could stay in my room longer, live my imagination more, and forget reality entirely. I believe I am hated by my friends, neighbours , even parents. One mistake became a lecture and a day of yelling, leaving this world never felt better. If you are scratcher, and you have seen my projects, you are the reason I live now. I gave up on everything, thank you so much. please make yourself clear to I can give you something. Everything revoles around my notifacation box now, I hate when it's empty, when there is one, I'm happy. when there is more than 2, you have just made my day! Thank you yes, everything I wrote is true
