Here are my problems with this: > GCA!Sebek felt too reactionary and not active, making his growth less believable. He says he wants to be better but he mostly just did what others said, which, yes, is something he wouldn't usually do, but GCA!Sebek's wrongdoings were his own doing, so if he himself made the choice to do something past him would scoff at just to better himself it would hit harder. Also Present Sebek telling him to give Gem a proper apology is too forced, like, I guess it COULD be believable as his first idea considering what he's heard, but the way this one somewhat-specific comment steers the rest of the scene makes it seem unnatural. > Why did everyone stop walking unprompted? Makes GCA!Sebek feel like he's stolen the spotlight again with every character bothering about him like he's a Gary Stu. In the new version I'll make it at least believable, with the one leading choosing to stop to listen to him. > GCA!Sebek's motivation was meant to be ensuring he'd never be like his old self again, but my writing put too much focus about him giving a sincere apology. The point of the scene wasn't meant to be about him worrying about whether he can give one, but about the simple fact that he's sincerely trying to give one proves he's capable of change. In the rewrite I'll also make it more about the fact that relapses are expected and don't undermine the lessons you've learnt as long as you continue trying to be better. > Too much yapping, making it less like watching a conversation and more like a therapist's appointment scene done by someone who's never seen one and assumes everyone can talk directly about their feelings. Immersion is important for viewers to connect with the characters, and if not unrealism, BOREDOM will utterly tank it. Now, monologues can work if they're built up towards, or if there's a lot of interesting shots with movement and camera angles, but... just look. > "You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel ANGRY!" I am not a writer. However, based on my consumption of good media, bad media, good scenes in bad media and bad scenes in good media... I could tell this was not great!
Yeah don't add this to any Time War episode yet. Either during vacation or after it, I will rewrite this so there's less yapping. So for the time being, just use this as "what generally happens". This scene was meant to elaborate on GCA!Sebek continuing to act like a villain in TTW Episode 28 (even though I actually made it before he even momentarily became one..) Credits to everyone in The Time War and GCA, and Juffymations for Gem and Nova for Nova.
