I shouldnt have to be put through it, I hate it, I would steal clothes, cologne and stuff from my dad, last week he came to me and asked about his cologne and eventually made it up too is "still tryna be a boy?".....then said "if you wanna be a boy stop buying girls clothes, girls shampoo and perfume and stuff"...and 4 years ago said "we'll start buying you boys stuff" but here i am still wearing girls clothes, still using girl scents and stuff, and never have the chance to get money to buy my own stuff, they never meant it, they love me but never meant it, 3 years ago they thought i stopped wanting to be a boy because they weren't seeing it in my notebooks and stuff because they always read my journals thats meant to be a safe space for me but I just stopped writing about it because I gave up on trying to be myself, for years they preached to me to be myself but now that im developing my own identity and style they said I cant do that or look like that, and I started last year again with trying to be myself again, but it made everything worse again, what they preached was a lie because they want me to be someone i'm not, I wanna dress emo, alt, goth, wear baggy clothes, boy's clothes, bind my chest, cut my hair short, look however I don't care if I get bullied for it I just wanna be myself, they want me to respect myself well how can i respect myself when I cant be myself. Im not tryna do anything permanent its just me testing if its who i wanna be, what i wanna do, maybe how i wanna look. i'm just tryna discover myself. they cant expect me to not lash out and do something like cut my own hair or take their clothes or find stuff that helps me feel comfortable wearing and stuff.....I just wanna try the me I wanna be for now....they arent trying to hurt me and none of its their fault...they just dont understand.... They want me to talk to them to speak up when they ask me something when im getting in trouble, i go into freeze, or I just can not answer, I grew up basically taught that speaking up was talking back, I always get asked why I would randomly start crying but it was only ever just how I regulated, I try to tell them about my stimming and even my therapist had told them about my stimming but they just never understood, never tried to understand, especially for my agressive body twitches i'd basically be made fun of and I dont think they realized I actually am serious about these things, they always think I read up things online then say i have that, but no I look up how im feeling and just find that there may be a word, not necessarily saying i have that, its not me looking it up then saying i feel that way just because i red up on it its me saying that this is what I have already been feeling, I know they love me but they cant preach to me then not let me do what they preached, and they can not expect me to connect with them after ive already been turned away many times and already know what their answer would be. I love them and they love me but right now i can beat this body dysphoria I havent been able too for 5 years now.
