Mini update/Rant..

Instructions

....I'm so sorry I haven't been active on the weekends and stuff yall just uh... really struggling mentally. I don't uh... really know why the world hates me rn, I'm just praying it's setting me up for smth better ig? So I'm trying to make it to the better..... | CONTEXT v So um... Most of you know I lost someone.. I really cared about close to 2 months ago? (correct me if I'm wrong I can't... really remember..) And uh... he sort of felt like one of the only people who like... fully cared abt me. Yk...? Like... Ik I have friends, and ik some of them care a h3\\ of a lot more than they should, but... I've always just wanted to be someone's... first pick... and he sorta... was the only person that's cared about me in that way. Nobody came before me (all of my friends pls don't feel like I'm calling you out, I love you all I just mean... in that way if that makes sense? idk how to do this without upsetting someone...) Anyway.. that was a long while ago, so I'm... getting better. Greif fkn sucks, but I'm alive, and I'm alright most days :}. Then uh... recently I got a bf... and uh... I really hate myself for this but... we broke up this weekend and like.. that's sad and all but I was alr, especially since he seemed really confused abt still liking me... then... that day... (yall ik it doesn't sound credible but pls don't like... think I'm lying...) Um he texted me later that same day that he had an accident (ik he had some sort of heart condition, when we met he warned me that he was technically dy!ng I just didn't..) and that he was headed to the hospital at that moment. I was really worried especially when he stopped responding but whatever, then uh... Um... A couple hours later, I got a text from him and uh... basically his parents... told me he was gone. Personally I kinda just went... numb...? I cried, but it was just... quiet.. none of it feels real after all the sh-- that's been happening it just.... couldn't actually be happening...? Anyway... I'm trying to make it through school, but I legitimately thought abt... doing something bad last night... just to get this... blank feeling to go away.. it's scarry.. but now um.. I'm sorta still numb, yk the thing called Imposter syndrome?? I'm getting a LOT of that rn. Like it didn't really happen, I'm lying somehow and therefore don't deserve to be feeling sad, and I don't /actually/ hurt rn.... It's... fkn scarry.. l-like I don't know what's real for sure bc my head is lying to me and... im scared... + dissociating really badly.. Sorry, yall probably don't want to listen to me ramble, but.... if you're wondering why I seem off and I send you this project or smth that's why.... I'm sorry yall.... </3 **UPDATE!!!** .....yall're gonna hate me... but uh... he called me. The one that "died". Said his parents do that when they don't know a number on his phone. Which.... fine... not his fault... but then he proceeded to laugh and joke like nothing happened, asking why I looked upset like that was some absurd thing. ...I h8 myself rn... the ammount of time.. I spent crying over nothing... then crying for more hours bc he came back and dismissed me... like... you cannot just disappear, let me thing you D!ED then come back without a real appology and expect me to want to date you again!? He sticks by what he said when we broke up, that I'm just a little too... broken.. for him to handle. And that I need to work on myself and my trauma... which... he's right... I know I'm broken but... you can't just say that then come around here and say 'I l0ve you' and expect everything to be okay.. I-I don't.... it's your own dam phone and you let me go 3 days believing you were gone... *frustrated sobbing* j-just.... bear with me... im trying so hard to stay alive rn but.... Anyway... if yall wanna hate me like I hate me, feel free.. I technically lied to all of you.... im sorry...