Ok, this is something I’ve been wanting to talk about for a while. (I’m not trying to sniff out compliments or attention so maybe only friends stay) yeah so, I’ve always had terrible self esteem. I seriously despise myself sometimes. The way I look, the way I act, even my art always seems to fall short. It’s gotten worse lately, even making me feel like my own family doesn’t like me, I’ve always felt like the odd one out. Even my talents and hobbies seem bland or weird. Art: I draw weird. karate: I’m not even that good at it. Singing: I’m terrible. My own brother doesn’t even let me sing on the worship team. Violin: I never practice. I’ve been playing for 8 years and still can’t do it right. Reading: I have the weirdest taste. It feels like I can’t do anything right. One of my best friends seems like the perfect person. She’s fit, pretty, and AMAZING at art. This is the second year in the row she’s outdone me in the art show at my youth retreat (every year she’s gone she’s won) and I know she tries to help me, she tries to let me know that I’m good too. But sometimes, it’s hard to believe. I know I have Jesus, that’s something. At least I know He’s there. But it’s hard. It’s hard to live in a fallen world. I look at other people and I feel as if I’m the only one struggling. Struggling at things they’ve mastered long ago. Like I’m trying to swim in quicksand. I look in the mirror, and all I can think is why am I like this, why does my face look like that, ew. It’s only gotten worse as I’ve gotten older and seeing other girls my age look stunning and have their lives together while I’m just trying to survive. Look, I’ve never had the courage to tell people irl how I really feel. Ever since I got made fun of for my chubby cheeks (I’m relatively normal except my face is SO ROUND and my eyes are SO SMALL) in like 7th grade, I’ve looked at myself in pictures and always hated how I looked. I feel gross when I’m eating now, like people are judging me, it makes me wanna not eat (except I know they’re not going to go away, I’ll only give myself an eating disorder.) now, I notice how people look at me. Now, I notice the little tiny roll at my neck when I play violin. Now, I notice how you can’t see my eyebrows anymore. That’s another thing. This year, I’ve gotten into a bad habit of plucking out hairs. That includes eyebrow hairs. My hair is blonde, meaning you can see the first bit of eyebrows, and then they are nonexistent. It’s terrible. I feel self conscious at karate, at school, in public, around my BEST FRIEND. You shouldn’t be self conscious around your best friend. I know she’ll never judge me, but i still act like she will. To deal with it, I’ve just started making jokes about it. And honestly, I’ve never been able to express these things. I’ve never showed how I felt like everyone was judging me, even my own siblings. I’ve never told people about how I was struggling to hold myself together like a puzzle standing vertical. How I’ve always known that my crushes would never like me back. Because I’m the comedy relief. The cartoonist that is a little stupid. And I wish I wasn’t so stupid. I’m an aspiring veterinarian and as I’ve gotten closer to my goal and thinking about everything, I realize that i may never make it. Even to college. You need science for vet school. I’m in CP physical science. I even was talking to my brother yesterday. He said I would be a good English teacher. I’m taking honors English and AP world next year, but most likely staying in CP for science and definitely for math. I feel like I’m ruining my own chances. I COULD be that good student. You know, the one that does her homework every night, the one who doesn’t procrastinate? The one the doesn’t have disorders. The one that doesn’t have to deal with anxiety and adhd. I’m not even on adhd meds because it would only make my anxiety worse. Why are there so many things wrong with me?? I have amblyopia, anxiety, adhd, stigmatism, light sensitivity, probably Trichotillomania. It just feels like everything’s wrong with me. Even though almost everyone has been amazing to me. So yeah. I have issues. :) Tonight I stayed up to 12:30 crying. I had a panic attack. Alone. In my room. This was the first one I navigated without my dad. I feel as if this will never get better. Sometimes it feels like they always choose my siblings over me. Maybe there’s a reason they do. Maybe I really am that unathletic. Maybe I am that stupid. Maybe I am that slow. Maybe I am that ugly. Untalented. Idiotic. Do people like me? How? Because sometimes the things I say just are wrong. The things I do are wrong. The things I believe are wrong. I just feel wrong. Yesterday my youth group played ultimate frisbee. I was the last pick. Per usual. My sport’s not even a sport in most people’s eyes. It’s dopey. A sport for nerds who can’t do anything else. And I seem to mess it up anyways. Maybe I’m not cut out for this.
I debated posting this for a while. I’ll probably take it down soon For trying to navigate everything alone. But I’m terrified of actually telling someone how I really feel. What if they make me go to therapy? Then my whole family will know how messed up I really am. How many times I’ve gone to my room and cried for hours. The tears I’ve learned to silence. How I’ve mastered going from one version of myself to the next. Is this normal? Am I going through a phase? A phase where all I do is think about how people may think of me. A phase where going to get a few more pretzels makes me feel like a pig. I didn’t eat dinner tonight. I fell asleep at 4:00 and woke up at 8:00. I went downstairs and my mom was worried. She said it wasn’t normal. She asked if I was ok. “Of course I am” how many times have I lied and told them I’ve forgotten already. Even though every comment sticks to my ribs like knives. I’m ultra sensitive. This was obvious when I was little. Everyone knew I was sensitive, but I have three brothers and when they called me sensitive and drama queen, it made me upset about being sensitive. So I hid it. I put up tough, tomboy walls to protect my fragile core so nobody would know. They WONT know about the crying, the panic attacks, the feeling of looking at other people and realizing I’ll never be like them. I’ll never be that pretty. I’ll never be that smart. That athletic. That talented. Maybe I should give up trying to be what I’m not. I’ve been running everyday consistently for 2 weeks, but it feels like it’s not doing anything. It probably isn’t.
