────────── .✦ ꒰✦꒱ ENOUGH? ⠀⠀⠀. . . ft. lurkingspider the npc ── death. such a horrible word. such a cruel creature. so unsure of who to steal away from this world, selecting those that don't deserve to be stolen. and never, ever giving back. ... failure but sometimes you are the monster sometimes you are the one that steals away. and amaryllis, only 6 moons ago, was the thief of life for just a moment. ... failure or so she believed. ... failure she had just arrived back at the medicine den with herbs for lurkingspider, who, at the time, was sick with.. something. she couldn't remember what now without drowning herself in tears and blame. but upon arrival, the first thing she saw was lurkingspider collapsing the moment he saw her. ... failure was it her fault? her fault she couldn't save him, her fault he had collapsed in pain in the first place. she always thought it was since that day to today, to this moment. to the day that she realised that she really did have a fellow medicine cat apprentice. to this day that she realised she had to be a good 'role model'. and honestly, knowing, thinking really, that it was her fault for a cat's death did not help in making her feel confident in helping. ... failure for 6 moons, and likely more to come, she had pent herself up in fear of messing up. because she was useless, the sole reason that lurkingspider had died. was she meant for this? was she /actually/ meant to help? questions upon questions upon questions racked her brain in her every spare moment, forcing her to plunge herself into her studies and practices. she had hardly ever realised she had a fellow apprentice in the den until a few days later. even after attending the ceremony she didn't realise. ... failure so, she concluded, by this time, for sulfur's sake, that even though it was likely entirely her fault, that she would set it aside, mostly. many of her waking moments would still be taken up by the pondering of whether or not it was her fault or not. but for now, she was still a puppet controlled by guilt in her every move. ... failure and by this time, she had also realised what she was. why she was always so tired. why she always messed up. because she was something she had always thought she would once be. ... A FAILURE. ── so like. i needed a reason why ami 'disappeared' for so long, and since this was one of the arcs she was going to go through as an mca anyways, i decided, 'yeah okay lets do this as the reason!' and i think it kinda fits !! shes not fully recovered yet though so idk a couple future roleplays for the next few months or so will mostly, hopefully start in the med den because obviously she is scared she'll mess up again if she goes out. most likely roleplays that are conducted outside of the med den are because she met those cats while on an errand of some sort and not of her own 'oh yeah i want to go out and meet people' accord. so i had fun with this! it'll be really very confusing to read through because its lwk kinda just a ramble and the title hardly relates to the srp itself but its ok !! everything is fine ────────── .✦ ⠀⠀ᝰ sincerely, the porcelain doll . . .
